| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2009|09:35 pm] |
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"Why are you looking so upset like that? You're so cute with your dimples, who's been making you upset, what did they do to you?" |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|11:32 pm] |
Ughhh.
Way too stressed.
I can't wait until my second midterm is done with.
Then I can calm down. |
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| nerves |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|04:07 pm] |
I have my first of two midterms tonight.
I'm pretty worried.
My second is tomorrow night.
I'm even more worried about that.
Can't wait until it's over. |
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| "he HAS" not "he IS" |
[Oct. 31st, 2009|01:12 am] |
So tonight I thought I'd pretend I was a regular girl.
I went out with some girls from work.
They were all excited that I came. That was nice.
I said to myself: tonight is the night I get hit on by a guy under thirty.
The second we get to the club, a guy with gray hair grabs my hand.
Oh come on.
Anyway I felt out of place and I can't dance either.
So after club one I decided to go home.
Ah well. |
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| so bad that my bones shake |
[Oct. 29th, 2009|06:12 pm] |
Nightmares, tossing and turning, dreams of wind and light streaming in windows, being beaten to a pulp, waking, sleeping, waking, sleeping.
Morning class, taking the GO train in, seeing my mom and little sister, doing shopping, giant milkshake, tasty sandwich.
Going out to Jumbo Video, watching Chris count cash, chatting about education with Dave, having my mind go blank, taking the streetcar to my place, warming me up, falling asleep.
Feeling like one of the family at Free Times, silently judging the ladies by the window, being quizzed, getting paid.
Mostly good times. |
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| hope |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|02:40 pm] |
My birthday is coming up.
Fifteen was kind of a grungy, mixed year.
Sixteen was a fun year.
Seventeen was a really brutal year but I grew a lot.
Eighteen was a fairly uneventful year.
Nineteen was a really great year.
Twenty was a pretty horrible year.
I wonder what Twenty one is going to be like? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2009|11:53 am] |
| [ | music |
| | i'm not alone - calvin harris | ] |
I'm still not right. |
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| "this song makes me want to cut my wrists" |
[Oct. 24th, 2009|01:36 am] |
Today sucked.
Things are okay and everything.
But today was a shitty day.
I got up, headed to the bathroom and Alex was in the shower. This almost never happens.
So I was late heading out the door and I decided to get some donut hole things from the convienence store, when I hear the lady in front of me ordering all of them.
And then it was raining and cold and awful, so I had to take the streetcar to work instead of having a nice walk.
All day at work I was waiting for it to be over.
I had a back-to-highschool moment with a coworker.
A girl behind me on the service bar got knocked shattering drinks everywhere.
I got glass in my shoe and had to limp to the back to pull a shard out of my heel.
Then later I got knocked sending my pints flying and shattering on the floor.
The people were fucking obnoxious, I couldn't get through anywhere, it was loud and no one could hear me and it went fucking late.
But hey. It's all over now. |
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| little tiny baby steps |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|07:06 pm] |
I had dreams about setting up the bar. About the wooden planks, about the oval ice. It was a lot sunnier in my dream.
I don't understand clock radio alarms. "Baby, that's the alarm, you have to get up!" But it's just some stranger talking, though. I need shrill, loud, intrusive noises to jar me awake.
Crowded streetcars dehumanize us all.
I'm starting to really like this new job.
A sketchy cracklady complimented my outfit today.
I got started on my homework.
I'm watching lots of t.v. |
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| stimulus-response |
[Oct. 20th, 2009|09:54 pm] |
So first I worried that if I didn't say anything back you'd take it the wrong way.
Then I worried that if I did say something back you'd see it as too much like communication and cut me out.
And over and over.
So I figured on a compromise, I guess. It's a cheesy choice, I know, but the first three lines are the most directly true I could find in lyric form.
( homage ) |
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| in and out with the moon |
[Oct. 19th, 2009|09:57 pm] |
The unwell know something the well don't.
Those pill-sampling, therapy-attending, self-help-reading throngs of us. We know that misery is like the ocean. We know how it feels to ascend 5000 feet and still be nowhere near air. |
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| the water |
[Oct. 17th, 2009|10:00 pm] |
And when the world is dark and silent and perfect I'm dreaming of a drowning wasp.
And it's swimming towards me, closer and closer when Chris shifts in his sleep, brushes up against me. I wake up with a yelp of panic, which wakes him up too. And right away he grabs on to me. He pulls me in. He whispers "Baby, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay." And I'm too sleepy to be heartbroken. So I say "I know, it's okay, I know..." And right away almost, sleep closes in around me just like his arms.
It's okay? Maybe it is. |
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| mixed messages |
[Oct. 15th, 2009|04:46 pm] |
The various things that I want to say to various people...
+ Why can't you just be there, is that so hard?
+ We should do this more often
+ Do you think it's funny? Really? Because it doesn't look funny from over here.
+ I don't know if I can put up with you.
+ I need to see you more often.
+ Sure, you were mad, but what did I ever do to you?
+ Don't. Piss. Me. Off.
+ Why do we have to be like this? |
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| thanksgiving weekend |
[Oct. 12th, 2009|11:09 pm] |
- I slogged through my lengthy readings on suicide
- My little brother is a swell guy, and fixed my computer
- My little sister still enlists me to be her stylist
- My older brother showed up at the last minute so I didn't see much of him
- My dad worked the whole time
- My mom was great until the end
- Their dog howls in the middle of the night
- The potatoes were awesome, so was the apple crisp
- I had a creepy dream |
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| "i'm your silver lining... but now i'm gone" |
[Oct. 9th, 2009|10:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | halo - beyonce | ] |
So, what's new.
Another new job, sort of, but it's kind of not set in stone yet.
That's sort of a source of stress for me, and the whole point of finding a second job was so that I'd have less stress. School is enough pressure, I want a job that counterbalances.
I'm seeing Graham today, which is cool. It seems silly but the only people who are really able to make me feel better about the things that are bothering me have the whole age perspective thing. As much as I appreciate my friends telling me things are going to be better and I'm going to be fine, it just seems to resonate so much more coming from someone who's been around longer.
I did my first exam. I think I did alright but I really hope to do better on the next one. I did my first quiz, one question, got it right.
Woohoo.
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving because I'll get to see my family which is nice, I think. I really hope Stefan will be there, since it's sort of ambigious this year.
When you smile, and your eyes smile too? Ohh. It kills me. |
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| the thirteenth step |
[Oct. 1st, 2009|12:29 am] |
Things I need to work on in my life:
1. school
2. work
3. self
4. boy
5. friends
though not in that order.
One down (hopefully). |
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| if i could find you now things would get better |
[Sep. 18th, 2009|08:55 pm] |
Today I picked up my guitar for the first time in a long while.
Played a few of my old favourites.
My fingers hurt but it's a very nice feeling.
I need to make sure my readings get done.
I'm still nervous. |
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